Lost and Yet to Be Found
Lost and Yet to Be Found
“Lost yet in the midst of a crowd of people, yes lost and yet to be found…………”
Sometimes I have this overwhelming feeling of being utterly and completely lost, alone, abandoned in some way. A set of feelings so very alien to me prior to 2011, as I have a loving wife, parents, children. I have never felt so desperately lost even when in the midst of people, that is following me being so desperately ill in September 2011. That was the point I was deserted by those I trusted, betrayed by those I trusted, then as I was trying to make my way in the world to lose my guide, my mentor, my friend; my Father, was a second bitter blow. I kind of liked that comment by Austin Powers, I definitely lost my Mojo, and my mojo was no-go and nowhere to be found. I find hindsight as a wonderful tool to batter yourself with, beating the hell out of yourself for what you could have done, said, acted differently. With this clarity of perfect 20/20 vision called hindsight, the awful impulsive decisions I made, the money and time I wasted in commerce, because I could not trust or engage. All this because of what was done to me in business. Then to have a brother turn their back on me when my Angel and I were desperate for his support was, well, more than a little traumatic to say the least.
So in about 20 months I was:
Done over by my closest aid
Done over by my brother and his family
Lost my friend, my hero, my Father
However, this is a balancing act as I also:
Re connected with my parents
Had a wonderful year with my Father
Re connected with my eldest Brother
Found I have a really nice Sister in law too
Found I was so lucky to have my Mother
But totally the best of all was renewing the love of my wife, my friend, my Angel Carol
So in balance I lost so much in 2011 and 2012, and I could not have stood to lose any more. Losing my guide and mentor in life was so hard, was incredibly painful and still I mourn such loss, as I know my Mother does. I feel this so deeply for her that I would change places with him if it meant they could have more time together, genuinely, sincerely I would. But his loss is not the reason I feel so utterly lost and alone when even in a crowded room. It is because of the trust issue that I have developed thanks to those betraying beggers of 2011 & 12. I guess if I were a child they would claim I had developed abandonment issues, as these were people I trusted utterly. I was betrayed and in response I built a wall that would compete with any castle, high, strong, and guarded constantly, treating everyone that approached as potential aggressors, potential threats to my zone of safety. I just could not get past the trust issue I had developed.
I do remember a time when I was the most trusting person you could meet. My Angel often warning me to be more careful but (back then) I knew she was wrong – more fool me, as she was very right. So I had to learn the hard way, and repeat the lesson throughout 2011. Hellishly hard lesson when one’s own condition means I have to let people in to care for me, I just got into a hell of a mess mentally. Totally screwed up, but then things started to change, and a friendship I had been guarded about I suddenly realised was on my side of the wall and was very welcomed too. This person lead me to commence a new business with a third party that I can trust, as it’s about a step at a time, putting safeguards in place, not exit doors everywhere.
So things can change from the blackest of places, from a point of imploding every business because you ran against that trust issue, as business means you do have to trust at some point. There is nothing else for it but to trust in those you work with. You have to trust them to deliver their end of the business, trust they will support you and be honest with you, trust they will not cheat with regards to money or investment. I could not do this last year but today, at this point I have two business colleagues that I do trust and through this trust the company will grow and become significant. Am I vulnerable, no I do not believe I am now because I also have my wife supporting me and I am in business with people of character, of integrity and of honesty. Yes bridges have been built with them and not drawbridges; agreements underpinning the foundations and not explosives waiting to implode the structure.
I had a sort out in early April and moved away from all my businesses and kept just a few:
Smiling Cat ventures (www.smilingcatventures.org)
(Holding company for all investments)
Innovative Minds At Work (www.innovativemindsatwork.org)
(My work supporting disability)
Innovative Business Consultancy Ventures (www.ibcv.org.uk)
(Consultancy work and the payroll company from which I can claim back VAT)
InnovationG3 (website under development)
(Health & Social Care solutions focussed company using latest technology to deliver sustainable quality improvements and cost reduction)
I have now let go of:
Systems of Equality
Innovative Consultancy Ventures
Moments in Time
Passport to Care
And a few others, besides.
So I then went through all the filing cabinets and archived everything I didn’t need, and it was as if I was throwing out the hurtful. The negative past shredded and burnt, sent to recycling was a very cathartic process and I am left with knowing I have the energy for the above and also to do one more thing. As many of you know I have a real interest in politics and also one in disability (obviously), but I am not into standing outside with banners protesting about unfairness or the way this Government is treating people with disabilities. I wanted to find something that could make a real difference to improving things for people with disabilities in a positive way, and also honouring my Father, who always had an interest in what was happening politically. So after 4 months of thought and planning, soul searching, and waiting till I was ready, I am setting up my final entity. We have to be honest with ourselves, and in so doing we can be honest with others and in our dealings.
Things are about to take off for InnovationG3 in partnership with Middlesbrough Council, and through them my business partners can develop our products and also develop our market place, our networks. Finding the right home for the company is always the hardest thing, but through Middlesbrough we will do very well in deed and they will benefit from the jobs, apprenticeships, rates, rent, and income we bring in and spend locally in the supply chain.
Smiling Cat Ventures and its holding/investments are doing just fine as is IMAW & IBCV. So this leaves me with the ability to do one more thing, as my condition will deteriorate and I do suffer from fatigue, but I think I have one more start up left in me, and it will celebrate my Father and ensure that with generations to come will not forget him. So I have put into action a charity that promotes disabled people to become politically engaged at local, regional and national level. This is not a campaigning charity about this or that. The only things we will campaign on is to get polling stations more accessible, postal voting more accessible, and a general educational remit to educate and through education empower people to become politically active. If you really want to change society then engage with politics locally or nationally, even internationally (EU), and change things from the inside, from the ballot box. This is my last major project, and the Trustees will be my elder Brother, my Mother, my Angel and I. I have approached two others and we will see what they say as the formation of the Charity gets underway – Able Politics (in memory of Peter Wade)
This will be my legacy, this will be my monolith imbedded in the ground, this will be my last contribution to society and hopefully the most significant positive change to society I can bring without being a political activist – there are enough people to shout loads about the state of the Welfare State and Tax Users – me I want to change the balance, have more disabled people as members of parliament and push to implement my campaign following the Paralympics.
Do I feel alone still when in a crowd? Yes I do at times but I am starting to trust again, rebuilding again; one bit at a time but getting there. Certainly this last commercial venture, even as a charity, marks one last contribution to society and gathers those that I can trust around me under one roof with one goal – to make a positive difference in society.
God bless you all and there is so much more to come.
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Able Politics (being developed – Charity)
InnovationG3 (Health and Social Care positive solution finding utilising the latest technology to improve quality and reduce costs)
Smiling Cat Ventures Ltd (www.smilingcatventures.org)
Innovative Minds @ Work Ltd (www.innovativemindsatwork.org)
Innovative Business Consultancy Ltd (www.ibcv.org.uk)