Beyond Comprehension

Beyond Comprehension

My mind shudders

My thoughts are jumbled

I can’t make sense of it

I don’t understand

How could it have happened so quickly

How could it have been so final

How could it be left like this

Knowing never to talk again

Never to see again

Never to laugh or joke again

Never to make fun of

Never to gain wisdom

I just don’t understand

My mind does not want to accept this loss

It’s not an emptiness

It’s full of aching

Yearning to see him

A dull constant hurt

Not a void or vacuum

He was there

And then he was gone

Time won’t heal this

Time will not rid my thoughts of him

Time will not erode what he was to me

What he is to me

What he is to us

I still hear is laughter

I still remember so vividly

The last we spoke

The last I was touched by his presence

My mind just can’t accept

The loss my heart is feeling

My logic that I am so proud of

Just cannot contemplate this situation

This loss that transcends

Transcends any experience to date

Transcends the depths of sadness

To a numbing

An emotional crippling

State of confusion

I cannot express how much I miss him

How much I still need him

How much the loss consumes me

But yet no tears stain my cheeks

I feel I dishonour him

By the failure to cry

I look at his picture

And don’t believe

I will not see him

Will not hear him

Will not touch him

I am wrong

This isn’t loss

This is emotional devastation

Which time will not heal

I don’t want it to

I don’t want time to rob me

Of his image

Of his sound

Of his habits

Of his mannerisms

Even of his odour

Especially of my love for him

To me healing risks losing him

I can’t let go

Won’t let go

I don’t want to heal

I want to see him

Hold him

My friend

My Father

My hero

My Dad